ranislapstick Profile

Rani

Join Date:
2015-06-07

About
Studied Tarmac at school, then went on to lean against things and run past stuff. Recently I started a blog about nothing in particular and I'm planning to continue with it.

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Thoughts, observations and imaginations.

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Other Tags: humorous, observational, political, imaginative, personal

Latest Blog Posts

  • Flashers, guerrilla art and chocolate buttons.The clouds were pink above the common, backlit by the winter sun as it slipped behind the horizon. You’d have to be dead inside not to have been impressed by it, such a privilege to see. I stopped to absorb the full majesty of it while The Roo...
  • Nan Love.
    on Feb 5, 2016 in Uncategorized love nan sexual assault
    It was about 10 years ago when I sexually assaulted my nan. She’d recently had a fall and I’d gone to check on her, bringing flowers and good intentions. I’d made her tea just how she liked it and filled a saucer with chocolate dige...
  • Disappear from view.As a child I believed that closing my eyes made me become invisible. I practised it at home, on buses and while out shopping with my mum, stealing little 10 second ‘disappearances’ whenever I could. It gave me a sense of comfort and security, and...
  • Night Recycles.
    on Jan 22, 2016 in Uncategorized 3a.m recycle bins
    I get woken most nights around 3a.m by the lids slamming of the recycle bins outside. I’m usually frolicking somewhere deep in my sub-concious when it happens and find it impossible to return to the same place afterwards. In one motion I bound...
  • Insect Clothes.
    on Jan 15, 2016 in Uncategorized Insects wash clothes
    I had no idea that my clothes were made from insects, but there they were, suspended in the thickness of the water, alien-like micro-beasts. From tiny, harmless spidery ones to larger predatory types with jaggy pincers and weaponised tails, they circ...
  • Gone to the dark side.I’ve started the year badly and stolen from the Co-op. I’ve no real knowledge of how the Co-op is run, but have always been under the impression that it gives its staff a better deal and operates more ethically than the bigger chains. For...
  • Out of days, out of sorts, out of toilet roll.None would even acknowledge her. There must have been half a dozen, carrying bags swollen with grub and stepping around the copies of the Big Issue that had slid out of her rucksack across the pavement. She was clearly in trouble, slumped against the...
  • A Christmas Glory.I awoke with an erect penis. It was probably no different to the one I have most mornings, but with it being Christmas I felt that it had added meaning and wasn’t something to be dealt with in my normal, efficient way. I wondered if it was a gi...
  • Grand Theft Auto.The car had clearly been dumped. The bodywork was thick with grime, both remaining tyres were flat, the windscreen had long seen a tax disc and there was a faded official notice taped to it. We were in agreement, it was fine, the gods of fair play wo...
  • Wedding Photography Pt2- The Shootout.Just as the calender had predicted the day of reckoning had arrived. The posh nuns were everywhere, carrying trays, wheeling things about and generally in a flap. A man who was the spit of Barry Mcguigan whooshed up and down the hallways, tweaking fl...
  • The leaf on my boot.
    on Dec 3, 2015 in Uncategorized boot leaf testing times
    As I walked through the high street I noticed people’s eyes unconsciously drawn to it, then look away as they recognised it as just a leaf and not some crazy boot design. My boots aren’t crazy, and it wasn’t just a leaf. I thought n...
  • Night Strokes.I knew her face was there in the darkness, I could sense it no more than a foot away from me, a motionless and malevolent presence. I’d learned from before not to turn my back on her, not to go back to sleep, she had to be faced if she was to g...
  • Falling down/granola and the waterbowl.The bills amounted to £300 and I hadn’t even opened the brown envelope yet. As I did the first thing I saw was the grainy black and white photo of my van on a slip road. It was strange seeing myself at the wheel from another perspective, makin...
  • No news is bad news.I’ve taken to watching the news with the sound muted so that I can get a feel for what’s going on without the distraction of the actual stories. It works especially well when there are two presenters, with one reading the item and the oth...
  • Wedding Photography – The Stakeout.I’ve got to stop agreeing to stuff. Now it was too late, we were on our way to meet the groom and make preparations for the big shoot. I’m not the greatest photographer and detest weddings so this was going to be a challenge. The venue wa...
  • Tits, Nazis and the afterlife.
    on Oct 30, 2015 in Uncategorized afterlife birds nazis tits
    I’ve never been turned on by a pigeon or chaffinch. I started out as a lions, tigers and sharks sort of of bloke, then as I grew, fell in love with dogs, squirrels, badgers and reindeer. Now I appreciate the smallest insect to the most bizarre...
  • Tech Support.
    on Oct 23, 2015 in Uncategorized Giuseppe tech support
    Giuseppe was wireless. To summon him you just typed his name 3 times and within an hour he’d arrive at your home carrying his shiny metal case. The first thing I noticed about him was the smoothness of his head, it was like polished marble, eve...
  • Hans Free.Driving while talking on the phone requires a lot of skill and I’ve perfected a number of techniques to cover my varying driving styles. Using a combination of cheeks, shoulders and elbows I’m able to successfully hold a conversation whil...
  • Run with Wolves.We run together now, over and under, crashing through the dead wood, through leaves and cloddy mud. The faster we move the more focused we become and the easier it feels, concentrating parts of the mind that are neither intelligent or emotional, but...
  • Listen to the man.
    on Sep 9, 2015 in Uncategorized pedalo sea tides twats waves
    The man said not to go out beyond the buoys as the tides were strong. It was probably good advice to give to feeble tourists, but we were from London, so we gave him a nodded thank you for his concern and stumbled into the pedalo. The first thing we...

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